Around the living room in 80 days

As of today, exactly 80 days have passed since June 7.

I was in a hospital for six of them. Which means, thanks to my lightning-quick mental calculation skills, I have been in this house for … 74 days.

I’ve been living within these walls for every hour, every minute, every single second of every one of those days. Well, with the exception of about 11 times, for short trips. By my best guesstimation, those add up to about 13 hours.

So, that means, subtracting that time … I’ve been living within these walls, nearly non-stop, for 1,763 hours. That’s 105,780 minutes. Which also is 6,346,800 seconds. Or maybe 62.7 bizzillion nano-seconds.

Hmmmm … very interesting. Explains a lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What was that? What were you saying, I couldn’t hear you.”

My wife is down the hall, sitting in the computer room and yelling out to me. I am in the where-I-am-living room.

“Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Rocky.”

“What’d you say?”

“I said I was talking to Rocky!”

“You’re talking to Rocky.”

“Well, yes. In a manner of speaking.”

“You’re talking to Rocky, in a manner of speaking.”

“Yeah. I’m talking to Rocky, and he’s listening. It’s a manner of speaking. Sort of.”

“Don’t make me get up and count your pills again.”

“Shhh, Rock. Hold that thought. I’ll get back to you when the coast is clear.”

I hear you … I don’t know what you’re saying, but I hear you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi hon, it’s me. Whatcha doing?”

“Hello dear. I know it’s you. We have caller ID at work.”

“Oh, what cutting-edge technology that is. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if I can use the credit card.”

“Why do you need to use the credit card? You’re at home. What for?”

“I’ve been watching this really educational program on TV and if I call and order within the next 20 minutes, they’ll double my order, the same price as one, just pay additional shipping and handling.”

“You’re watching infomercials.”

“Right, we’re talking lots of info here. And if I call in the next 17 minutes, they’ll double my order and I’ll get two 16-ounce Real-Rubber-in-a-Cans instead of one. I want to spray it on the bottoms of my feet and see if I can bounce my legs up onto the couch instead of hooking them with my cane and pulling them up. I think we’re talking a potential medical miracle here. So, whatdaya say.”

“Sigh – I’ve got to get a padlock for that medicine cabinet. I’m hanging up now.”

I dunno – it sure sounded like a good idea to me.

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Second verse, same as the first …

What’s even funnier than a blogger with one titanium knee?

A blogger with two titanium knees!

Well, let’s hope that’s true. As I did just last month, I’m once again heading into the hospital in a few hours for my second knee replacement operation. I figured I’ve been having so much fun with the first one, hell, who wouldn’t want to do it all over again?

And this way I’ll have matching leg scars. Neato.

Just wanted to let you and the rest of my fantastic readers know that I may not be around for a few days, but I’ll be back soon. Definitely before the new pain meds run out – as I mentioned the last time, I do seem to be a more creative writer while under the influence. Let’s see if I can keep the streak going.

So, have no fear, I shall return. And maybe then, with two new knees, I can fulfill my physical therapist’s expectations for me and my rehab. Igor tells me if I work real hard and put my heart and soul into it, I soon will be able to …

… walk this way.

Up from the bed he arose …

Well, these past few days have not been very much fun at all. Let’s decide now to not do this knee surgery thing ever again. Oh, right. I’m doing it again next month. Silly me. Stupid me.

You know this would have been one helluva good “What I Did on My Summer Vacation” essay if I was going back to third-grade in the fall.

Greetings! Hope all is well with you! Just a quick note to say I’ve been to Hell and presently am on my way back to Earth. Stopped at Mars on the way and can definitively report that author John Gray got it all back-asswards – I saw only women living there. So that’s where they’re from and it’s the men who are from Venus.

Let’s send him a group email, demand a retraction and 100 percent of our psyches back.

Speaking of back, it appears I may be as well. I think I’m going to try this writing thing again later today.

At least, at this point in my recovery, I’m feeling I can use my hands and fingers for something other than to pull my hair out.

Walk a WHAT with no shoes???

But I don’t want to walk down there.

“But don’t you want to see where you’ve been for the past few days?”

I know where I’ve been, I even know where I am. I’ve been in a hospital that slipped me a Mickey the other day, took my knee out, put in a replacement made of LEGO™ building blocks, and sold my old one to some rich Chinese guy who ground it up and smoked it and now believes that his gout is cured and his penis is three inches longer.

“My, don’t we have an active imagination.”

Mister, considering the pain I’ve been in and the rock-em-knock-em medications you’ve been feeding me, I been living on imagination and saltine crackers.

“Well, considering that, you can’t really believe all of what you just said.”

Yeah, you got me there. My knee wasn’t as young as it used to be. Guy’s probably only going to get two inches.

People in hospitals don’t seem to quite understand what they do. They cut you open, saw or gnaw out a part of you, put in a fake piece, close you up, put a big band-aid on it, put you a room and then come back fifteen minutes later and ask you if you want to go for a walk.

And what’s worse, they so, so damn nice about it.

So, this is my world for the moment, and you’re welcome to it. It ain’t so bad, really. Food’s decent. Drugs are excellent, which probably makes the food decent. All the damn clothes don’t have anything in back, though. These folks definitely are ass people.

l’ll be leaving here in a few hours, which means they’ll be lighting up the “Vacancy” sign soon. If you happen to be limpy or gimpy, c’mon down!

Remember, there’s a couple million more rich Chinese guys where mine came from.

I fought the pain …

… and the pain won.

You know, walking is vastly overrated. You’d think by now we would have come up with a cure for it. I mean, I’ve walked all over the place for more than 50 years now, where else do I really have to go?

Been there, done that. It’s about time that people and places started coming to me. Yeah.

For two days, I’ve been staring at a large piece of me – my right leg – laying as if it were dead to me. They call it a pain block. Freaky feeling for sure, but it had its advantages. First and foremost, if I didn’t feel my leg, I also didn’t feel what had been done to it.

I found out what that was around 2:30 a.m. Woke me up out of dead sleep. If my knee had a face, it would have been Al Pacino’s Tony Montoya, smiling up at me.

“Let me introduce you to my leeeettle frien’!”

I called for backup. Grabbed the TV remote/light-turner-on-er/GET ME A FREAKIN NURSE NOW thingie. They anticipated my call. There was a button marked PAIN.

“Can i help you?”

Oh yeah you can – either you can get the number of the ambulance that just ran over my leg, or grab the nearest sterile hand grenade, pull the hypo-allergenic pin and toss it in here! Latex gloves optional!

“I’ll bring you something for the pain.”

God bless you – anything, as long as it’s lethal.

“Oh, Mr.Waterman, you’re so funny.”

Nice to know I can maintain my sense of humor in the face of such excruciating adversity. I ought to have them rolling in the halls when they have me try walking later today.

Anybody know the words to “Tears of a Clown”?

“We can rebuild him …

… we have the technology.”

Two things:

First, I want to thank every reader, visitor, stumble-uponer and follower of this blog. It’s been an absolute blast from Day One. And rest assured (or be warned) – there’s so much more fun to come. For, in the words of that famous poet … no, not Robert Frost, Karen Carpenter of The Carpenters:

We’ve only just begun ….

Second, I’m going to have to step away from the laptop for a bit as I’m going under the knife to have the first of two knee replacement surgeries. But be warned – I really hate not writing. So, maybe the hospital has free wi-fi and heck, who knows? I just may write better under anesthesia.

In any case, this is just a temporary setback for me – and respite for you. For, in the words of that famous philosopher … no, not Plato, Arnold Schwarzenegger in “The  Terminator”:

I’ll be back.