Bamboo you

bamboo walkThe email was simple and to the point. It was sent to me by someone named “Dr. MaxMan.”

“We will make your device grow like a bamboo, try our method.”

Hmmm … interesting. Now, I’ve been around the block more than a few times. And during my travels I’ve heard a great number of claims about this wonder drug, or that super supplement, or this secret method for success. In fact we all know the drill too well. “Do this or use this or buy this and it’ll make you…

… strong like bull.

… smell like flower.

… smart like Wikipedia.

… big as a house.

… dumb as a rock.

… horny as a man left in solitary confinement for 27 years straight with no light and nothing but the Braille edition of the 1987 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

But I have to admit, I’ve never heard about one to make my “device grow like a bamboo.”

Oh, what the hell. Let’s give it a try. I didn’t click on the email address, but I did punch in the telephone number.Hello“Hi there. I’d like to speak to Dr. MaxMan, please.”

“Who may I say is calling?”

“Mr. WaterMan.”

“Do you have an appointment to speak with him?”

“Lady, you have a phone number. I have a device. I punched the numbers.”

“Please hold.”Dr. MaxMan

“This is Mr. WaterMan speaking.”

“You must be joking.”

“No more than you are, Doc. I got your email. I’ve got a couple questions about your offer to grow my device like a bamboo. First off, I want to make sure we’re on the same anatomical page here. What device are you talking about?”

“You know, that device.”

“Oh, you mean that device.”

“Yes, that device.”

“Cool. Now, say I buy your “method” here, Doc. How do I know it’s really going to work?”

“Trust me. I don’t call me Dr. MaxMan for nothing.”

“Try again. I need more proof than that.”

“OK, I’ll send you a picture of one of my satisfied customers.”

Ding goes my Inbox.bamboo woman“Very happy woman there, don’t you think?”

“Uh, that’s a lot of bamboo, Maxie.”

“She’s very popular. Has a lot of men friends.”

“Uh, I see that. But it sure looks like there are some, shall we say, side-effects here.”

“You say, grow my device like a bamboo, my method grows it like a bamboo. You get what you pay for. As long as you follow all of the directions, you’ll be fine. Only had one issue and that was because the man didn’t follow directions. I’ll send you another picture.”

swirled bamboo“Yeah, I can see what you mean. Sheesh, how did that happen to him?”

“Says right in the directions – big letters – NO TWIRLING. You twirl, well, I think you see what happens.”

“Definitely. But thinking about it, you just may have forgotten another one, Doc.”

“What do you mean? I know of no others. You must be joking.”

“No, no joke. Let me send you a picture.”

Ding goes his Inbox.

Panda-Bamboo-2

Oh, go kiss a frog already

Happy CoupleI’ve written about my junk mail before but lately it’s taken over all of my www-reading attention. For a few weeks every time I click open my Junk Inbox I find yet another woman who has never met me, never even seen me …

… but wants me. Baaaaaaaaaaad.

They can just feel it, every single one of them – that I’m the one. And they know this even though every one of them is writing me from aaaaaaaaaaaall the way in the Ukraine. I may be a little long in the tooth and short on stature, but they don’t know it nor care.

Sheesh – all of this admiration-from-afar is tough, I tell you. I’ve nearly had to splint my left-side mouse button finger, just from deleting all of them off.

Maybe Ukrainian men are more earthy, less refined than us American guys. And seems prone to being a tad generous when estimating their uh, manhood too.

Maybe Ukrainian men are more earthy, less refined than us American guys. Sure seem prone to being a tad generous when estimating their manhood too.

Yup, they know I’m their guy. Or so they tell me. But don’t take my word for it. For example, meet the most recent admirer-de-jour – Anny, or maybe as her close friends call her – Any.

“Hi, Mike”
(OK, so there’s a small issue with my name. What do you expect from a woman who spells her own name two different ways in the same email? Probably a Ukrainian cultural thing.)
“We’ve got only one life to live and I want to live it as good a I can.”
(It’s good to have a life plan. Admirable.)
“I’ve found you and now I can’t imagine how I lived without you for my entire life?!”
(Aw, shucks. I’m sure it wasn’t hard living all this time without me. Hellish, certainly. But probably not that hard.)
“I want to get used to you, I want to learn you, I want to accept you as you are.”
(Uh, OK. So, just exactly what do you mean by ‘learn you’? Not judging of course, just wondering.)
“I try to imagine you and in my own imagination I am already getting used to you: I am used to your eyes, soft and wise, to your hands, to your gentle touch. I haven’t seen you in real life, but inside, in my soul, I already feel how warm and happy your heart can be just from love.”
(My, see me blush. You Ukrainian women sure have a rather direct way about you, don’t you? That’s one powerful soul, er, imagination you got there.)
“I realize that there can be another sitting by your side, touching your hair, watching you, hugging you.”
(Damn, am I glad you brought my wife up here. Thanks, it sure spares me from one of those, shall we say, awkward moments.)
“However I know that, you can’t imagine my confidence, but I know that we can match. I don’t think our silence will help us, so I am here, at (web address.ua), and I hope that you will touch my heart with your letter soon, my dear. Yourth faithfully, Any.”

Count on it, my dearest Anny/Any. You just keep checking yourth mailbox. The letter’s in the mail.