I’m in the money …

baltimore-lotsofmoneyI don’t know why so many people spend so much time worrying about money, or the lack thereof. After all this is America, the land of milk and money.

It confuses me. Only answer I can come up with for why this non-issue is so prevalent is most people don’t get the same emails I do, on an insanely regular basis.

And all of them are about money. My money.

Why, I have so much money out there I nearly have to beat off the piles of cash coming my way with a stick. A diamond-encrusted, solid 24-carat gold stick, no less.

People who don’t even know my name are asking – make that imploring – me to please take all of this loot off their hands. Must be cluttering up their living rooms or clogging their drains or something.
goes-down-the-drain-283443

“Attention beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your funds valued $10.5m dollars has been transferred to the bank Negara new York for easy payment via A.T.M. cash payment, so all you have to do is for you to reconfirm you banking information where you want us to transfer the fund valued $10.5m dollars. Very important you do this right away because we are now in final payment of the year, so that we can finish you with the information of the bank, negara new york:

YOUR FULL NAME
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER
YOU’RE TELEPHONE NUMBER
YOUR COUNTRY AND OCCUPATION

We are looking forward to hear from you a soon as you receive this mail for more information very important.

John kelly
Director foreign remittance department c.b.n.
telephnoe 2347031909754”

Sheesh, like I need another freaking $10.5 million dollars. Where the hell am I going to put it?

Listen, since this John Kelly doesn’t have a clue as to what my name is, if you’re one of the people who are worried about money, give me your email address and I’ll forward this thing to you and you can be “Attention beneficiary.” Just contact him and poof – the money’s yours.

Believe me, it’ll save me from a bunch of pain and trouble. You’d be doing me a favor. In fact, let me do you a favor. Just send me …

YOUR FULL NAME
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER
YOU’RE TELEPHONE NUMBER
YOUR COUNTRY AND OCCUPATION

… and I’ll take care of the whole thing for you. No more worries for you. Less cash clutter for me.

What a deal.

Oh, go kiss a frog already

Happy CoupleI’ve written about my junk mail before but lately it’s taken over all of my www-reading attention. For a few weeks every time I click open my Junk Inbox I find yet another woman who has never met me, never even seen me …

… but wants me. Baaaaaaaaaaad.

They can just feel it, every single one of them – that I’m the one. And they know this even though every one of them is writing me from aaaaaaaaaaaall the way in the Ukraine. I may be a little long in the tooth and short on stature, but they don’t know it nor care.

Sheesh – all of this admiration-from-afar is tough, I tell you. I’ve nearly had to splint my left-side mouse button finger, just from deleting all of them off.

Maybe Ukrainian men are more earthy, less refined than us American guys. And seems prone to being a tad generous when estimating their uh, manhood too.

Maybe Ukrainian men are more earthy, less refined than us American guys. Sure seem prone to being a tad generous when estimating their manhood too.

Yup, they know I’m their guy. Or so they tell me. But don’t take my word for it. For example, meet the most recent admirer-de-jour – Anny, or maybe as her close friends call her – Any.

“Hi, Mike”
(OK, so there’s a small issue with my name. What do you expect from a woman who spells her own name two different ways in the same email? Probably a Ukrainian cultural thing.)
“We’ve got only one life to live and I want to live it as good a I can.”
(It’s good to have a life plan. Admirable.)
“I’ve found you and now I can’t imagine how I lived without you for my entire life?!”
(Aw, shucks. I’m sure it wasn’t hard living all this time without me. Hellish, certainly. But probably not that hard.)
“I want to get used to you, I want to learn you, I want to accept you as you are.”
(Uh, OK. So, just exactly what do you mean by ‘learn you’? Not judging of course, just wondering.)
“I try to imagine you and in my own imagination I am already getting used to you: I am used to your eyes, soft and wise, to your hands, to your gentle touch. I haven’t seen you in real life, but inside, in my soul, I already feel how warm and happy your heart can be just from love.”
(My, see me blush. You Ukrainian women sure have a rather direct way about you, don’t you? That’s one powerful soul, er, imagination you got there.)
“I realize that there can be another sitting by your side, touching your hair, watching you, hugging you.”
(Damn, am I glad you brought my wife up here. Thanks, it sure spares me from one of those, shall we say, awkward moments.)
“However I know that, you can’t imagine my confidence, but I know that we can match. I don’t think our silence will help us, so I am here, at (web address.ua), and I hope that you will touch my heart with your letter soon, my dear. Yourth faithfully, Any.”

Count on it, my dearest Anny/Any. You just keep checking yourth mailbox. The letter’s in the mail.

From Russia, with love

Unlike nearly every other person with an email inbox out there, I don’t get a lot of spam or junk mail. I have no idea why – I’m just as depraved as the next web surfer, you’d think I’d have picked up at least a couple sketchy cookies in my history by now.

Oh, but I’m trying not to take it personally, though. Maybe I’m just too virtuous for such questionable communiques. Yeah, that’s it.

So, of course, whenever I do see a (1) next to my “Junk” folder name, I can’t click on it fast enough. If my Internet provider considers whatever’s in there to be of absolutely no value and no good for me … well, out of my way, let me at it.

Maybe it’s one of those wonder pills, herbal and all-natural, that will make me “hung like bull.” Or how about some “real” Viagra – just $10 (Canadian) for 1,000 capsules – to make me “love stronger and longer than many bulls!” Or could it be that my great-uncle in Nigeria finally kicked off and that $137 million he’s been holding for me in the Abuja Savings & Loan is mine, mine, mine!!! I thought he’d never die.

Anyway – imagine my surprise when I glanced over and saw a (1) today. What could it be?

Actually, this time it was who could it be. Someone named “S.B.” And the subject? “Transport of Love.”

Oh, my favorite! Another Russian woman I’ve never heard of has finally found me. Without even opening it, I can see her swimming in slow motion across the Atlantic, just to reach me! (And she would get here so much faster if I would just send her $1,000, for one of those slippery wetsuits and English lessons, don’t you know.)

I was not disappointed.

My dear friend,

Sometimes you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with your soul mate and you want to meet your beloved person as soon as possible.

Svet … is that you, Svet?

This twenty-first century letter speaks for my twentieth century soul.  And it does not matter that we never met in real life, never talked, touched or even hold hands. I feel like I want to know you better and you are the one for me.

That perfect man exists in my imagination and I am dreaming about meeting him all days and nights. We have to be patient in order to get what we want. I’d like you to know that I am waiting for my love, my dear.

See you later,

Svet B  

How nice. How sweet. And she sounds so genuine too. I must write her back. But there is no return email address, just a website. No, no, no – I can’t just click on a website. Where’s the heartfeltness, where’s the one-on-oneness, where’s the romance in that?

No, if this is true love, I shall write a letter to her here. No doubt … like Cupid’s arrows, it will find its way. For as that lovely saying about true love goes: If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, then may it eat shit and die. And if it does, it better have a damn good story for where’s the hell it’s been all this time.

My dearest dear, dear Svet,

How good to hear from you – I hope all is well. You must forgive me if I seem a little confused as I write this. After all, it has been a while since we last talked. Oh, that’s right – we’ve never talked now, have we?

No matter. How my heart swoons to hear that your twenty-first century letter speaks for your twentieth century soul! It just sucks, though, that your 17th-century Internet provider didn’t get this to me sooner. Drat and double-drat – as alas, I am already spoken for.

Actually, Svet dear, I’ve been bespeaked for quite some time now. And get this – she’s of Lithuanian descent! Can you believe it? I’ll bet you’re cursing the day your country ever let that little satellite fly the Soviet Union coop! Isn’t life strange, though.

Yes, yes it is. For as you so splendidly say, “it does not matter that we never met in real life, never talked, touched or even hold hands.” Can’t miss what you’ve never had, no?

So, as they say in my country, don’t be a stranger! Ta-ta and would be yours truly if I truly knew you,

G

Sigh – my first “Dear Svet” letter. Sealed with a kick.