You lose some, you lose some

Every now and then I get this irresistible urge, call it a yearning even, to be so filthy rich that even China comes to me, begging to borrow money.

Hey, I know it’s insane. And yeah, I also realize that no one else has such looney thoughts. But that’s just the kind of wild and crazy guy I am.

Actually, it’s not so much that I have an urge as it is that I get a message. I’ll be walking along, say in the canned vegetables/condiments aisle at the supermarket, and suddenly I’m awash in a bright light, from above.

I’m stunned. I realize it’s either a sign from God, or one of the florescent bulbs in the ceiling lights above me is about to flame out.

The Lord works in mysterious places.

It’s often at that moment that I hear … The Voice … saying,

Doth Get Thyself Rich!, or

Spill in Aisle 7!

It’s God … or the grocery manager on the P.A. Either way, it’s a message. And I must heed it. So I either look to see if there’s a puddle of yellow mustard ahead of me, or head straight to the customer service desk and buy a lottery ticket.

I’m not a habitual lottery ticket buyer. I know the odds are about a bizzillion to one that I’ll even win my dollar back. But while the lottery is a fool’s game at retirement planning, at that moment it’s one for everyone but … me.

After all, if the message really is from “Above,” God must be my bookie.

So I plunk my dollar down (only one, I’m not that religious) and ask for a “quick pick.” See, God doesn’t ever tell me the numbers to play so I figure He’s picking them for me, through the machine. Call it divine randomization.

Or the Immaculate Wager.

I can hear your head shaking from side to side. You don’t believe this can happen, do you? Ahem – a case in point …

This man reportedly won a multi-million dollar lottery jackpot. And look, it has not only made him rich … but evidently handsome. Now, tell me God had nothing to do with this. I think not.

In the words of your kindly Sunday School teacher from decades back – yes child, miracles do happen. Every day. And not just in churches. But in state lottery headquarters too.

Now, since I periodically receive celestial gambling encouragement, you may be muttering, “OK smart guy, so if He’s telling you it’s time to play, why haven’t you won it big yet?”

Oh, ye of little faith. Sigh.

It’s at times like this when I can hear these sonorous words of inspiration, put forth by the caller at the local church’s weekly Bingo game, held every Friday night down in the basement below the sanctuary of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Church:

You can’t win, if you don’t pray.


And then I saw His face …

… now I’m a believer!

I couldn’t think of anything good to write today, so I went Googling. I typed in “Something good for me to write about today.”


I tried Yahoo. I got less than nothing – a “For sale – Inquire Within” sign.

Last chance – I gave Bing a swing.

I found Jesus.

Well, it’s not like I actually found Him. But I found that a lot of people are trying to find Him. I mean, really, really trying. And for all their fervent troubles, they’re not only finding Him – they’re SEEING him.

Thanks to the ABC News website for putting this little slideshow together, and to the Lord Himself for directing my search engine to it. Or for maybe downloading a Holy Cookie into my computer to guide me there. Hallelujah.

Here’s only a few of the “signs” – there were more, but there’s only so much religion a normal person can take in a kneeling position.

What’s that? Am I worried there’s a thunderbolt up there with my name on it?


Jesus loves me, this I know … I saw His face in my Jell-o …

A family in Splendora, Texas says an image of Jesus was created by mold in their bathroom. “People say your house is blessed,” Chyanna Richards told ABC’s Houston station, KTRK. “I see the head, the hair, a cloak.” Hmmm … you ask me – I see the mold, the mold, a job for Mr. Clean. (KTRK-TV)

Ruth Davis, a reader of the Bournemouth Echo, sent the paper this image of what looks to be the face of Jesus on the side of a mixing bowl. Could be a culinary sign: “Ruth, Methinks this could use a little more sugar.” (

David Sandoval of Albuquerque said he found an image of Jesus on the side of a tortilla — coincidentally on Ash Wednesday. He posted a picture on Facebook. “Everybody has been able to see it. They’re calling it a miracle,” Sandoval said. Beg to differ, Dave. I think they’re calling it lunch. (KOAT/ABC)

Don Taylor of Colorado spotted this high-voltage Jesus near Littleton on a phone pole. He told ABC7 in Denver that he’s a “a nonreligious individual” but he was stopped in his tracks when he saw the unusual vine growth across from a church, which appears to be the form of a crucified Jesus Christ. And the Lord said: Call 911, but use your cellphone, NOT the land line! (Don Taylor/KMGH7)

It’s hard to believe that sitting on the toilet bowl could inspire visions of the divine, but that’s exactly what happened to a Las Vegas woman named — coincidentally enough — Magdalena Nelson. According to ABC affiliate KTNV, Nelson was cleaning her toilet last week when she noticed what she described as Jesus’ likeness in an “I Love Vegas” bumper sticker plastered on the bowl. And, apparently, Nelson isn’t too possessive of her bumper sticker. KTNV reports that those interested in viewing the “sighting” can e-mail Nelson and arrange a visit. Oh God, there’s just too much to work with here … whatever happens in Vegas … holy toilette water … the throne … Lord, thouest deliver us a bounty with this one! (ABC News )