I’m in the money …

baltimore-lotsofmoneyI don’t know why so many people spend so much time worrying about money, or the lack thereof. After all this is America, the land of milk and money.

It confuses me. Only answer I can come up with for why this non-issue is so prevalent is most people don’t get the same emails I do, on an insanely regular basis.

And all of them are about money. My money.

Why, I have so much money out there I nearly have to beat off the piles of cash coming my way with a stick. A diamond-encrusted, solid 24-carat gold stick, no less.

People who don’t even know my name are asking – make that imploring – me to please take all of this loot off their hands. Must be cluttering up their living rooms or clogging their drains or something.

“Attention beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your funds valued $10.5m dollars has been transferred to the bank Negara new York for easy payment via A.T.M. cash payment, so all you have to do is for you to reconfirm you banking information where you want us to transfer the fund valued $10.5m dollars. Very important you do this right away because we are now in final payment of the year, so that we can finish you with the information of the bank, negara new york:


We are looking forward to hear from you a soon as you receive this mail for more information very important.

John kelly
Director foreign remittance department c.b.n.
telephnoe 2347031909754”

Sheesh, like I need another freaking $10.5 million dollars. Where the hell am I going to put it?

Listen, since this John Kelly doesn’t have a clue as to what my name is, if you’re one of the people who are worried about money, give me your email address and I’ll forward this thing to you and you can be “Attention beneficiary.” Just contact him and poof – the money’s yours.

Believe me, it’ll save me from a bunch of pain and trouble. You’d be doing me a favor. In fact, let me do you a favor. Just send me …


… and I’ll take care of the whole thing for you. No more worries for you. Less cash clutter for me.

What a deal.


FYI: I lost, so you lost

powerball-lotteryI didn’t win the big money in the $590 million-or-more Powerball lottery drawing last night.

Hell, I didn’t win the semi-big money, the middling money or the smallest this-covers-me-for-one-of-my-tickets money. I got zip, nada, zero, nothing, squat.

Oh, and since I was a loser, just thought you’d all like to know you’re losers too.

Because I planned on giving a million to every single one of my readers and followers here, whether you’ve liked me or not. I could afford it and could have used the charity tax breaks too.

Just so you know.

And even after that, I would have had more than enough moolah left over to do a couple other nice-for-me/nice-for-you things.

national debtI was going to pay off all of my family’s and all of your families’ share of the national debt. Shucks, it’s only a little more than $100,000 each. Chump change. That’d be one monthly bill we all could rip up and throw away.

kim-jong-un-and-dennis-rodmanI’d buy a long-range ballistic missile, stuff Dennis Rodman into the warhead and fire it off at Kim Jong-Un and his cadre of yes-oh-great-leader generals. One kaboom and world peace would ensue.

bag of iceAnd finally, I’d buy a bag of ice for every single person on the planet and at the same time we’d all go outside and all-together-now wave them in the air for twenty minutes and … badda-bing, badda-boom … no more global warming.

Yeah, sure, what I nice guy I could have been. But I didn’t win. So now me, you, the country and the world have zip, nada, zero, nothing, squat.

And one last thing. To the winner of last night’s Powerball, who bought the ticket at that Publix supermarket in Florida, probably a 97-year-old retiree who’s really going to send for those mail-order kitchen curtains now and (why not?) the valances too, and who most likely will bequeath the rest to Clarence, your 12-year-old Maine coon-Persian-calico cat mix because he’s such a finicky eater, don’t you know … I hiss this:

I just hope you’re happy now.

If I were a rich man …

1305805212-13 (2)Someone may have won more than $550 million dollars when the winning numbers popped up in tonight’s Powerball lottery jackpot drawing.

I have absolutely no clue who that person will be, but I know one thing – I’m just happy it isn’t going to be me.

Robert-Harris-Tonya-HarrisTake a good look at the two people in the photo above. This is Robert Harris and his wife, Tonya, in Atlanta, Georgia. Notice anything unusual in this photograph? Like that giant freakin’ pile of money there? It’s hard to miss. It’s taller than them. It even blocks out the poor slob in the back there, dressed as a yellow ping pong ball.

That pile-o-cash belongs to Robert and Tonya. They were the winners of  a $275 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing in 2008.

Notice anything else unusual up there?

Right – these two people are not laughing. They’re not even smiling. From the look on Tonya’s face, she’s not really sure if the dough is clean, for heaven’s sake. That’s $275 MILLION dollars, people! Why aren’t you throwing it up in the air, rolling around in it! Why do you look like you’re more concerned about how the heck all that moolah is going to fit in your beat-up 1997 Toyota Camry double-parked outside?

Why? Because they know that money won’t buy them happiness. Not even close. And they’re not the only suddenly rich, unhappy people in the world. Here’s some lowlights from a compilation of lottery winners-turned-losers posted today in an article on the Newsmax website (www.newsmax.com).

Money didn’t buy happiness for West Virginia’s Jack Whittaker. He won $315 million playing Powerball in 2002. He was robbed of $545,000 in cash at a strip club (man had to have BIG pockets to hold that many dollar bills), and his wealth may have had something to do with the deaths of his granddaughter and daughter. Add to that, even with all that money in the bank, the man still couldn’t balance his checkbook. An Atlantic City casino sued him for bouncing $1.5 million worth of checks to cover his gambling losses.

Must have been in-between paychecks. Happens to the best of us and evidently the richest of us too.

Does that sound like happiness to you?

Or take the riches-to-rags tale of William “Bud” Post III of Pennsylvania. In 1998 he won $16.2 million. What did it get him? A contract put out on him and his sixth wife – the hit man was hired by his brother. The money he lent to other relatives went into businesses that tanked. He was thrown in jail once for shooting over the head of a bill collector. It wasn’t a good sign – he died bankrupt in 2006.

Does that sound like happiness to you?

In 2006 Abraham Shakespeare won a $31 million jackpot in Florida. He vanished without a trace in 2009.  His body was found under a concrete slab in 2010.

That jackpot amount may even be cursed – Billie Bob Harrell Jr. won the lottery in 1996, also for $31 million. But feeling that people were using him for his money put him into a depression – and in less than two years after hitting it big, he killed himself.

Does that sound like happiness to you?

I didn’t think so. Which is why I didn’t buy even one Powerball ticket today. No way all that money’s going to get me.

But if you bought one or two tickets, let’s say you beat the 176 million-to-one odds. Tomorrow morning you check them against the winning numbers and – whaddaya know – you have the big winner ticket, right there in your hot, little hand.

First thing to remember … don’t panic. There is a way out. Write me a comment and let me know. Then calmly take the ticket, put it in an envelope and send it to the address I give you. Once it’s in the nearest mailbox – breathe easy.  You can rest assured you won’t ever have to worry about your life being ruined by such an unlucky event befalling you.

As for me, I’ll make sure it’s properly disposed of. Hey, no need to thank me. My reward is your happiness.