I’m not dead … I’m feeling better!

“It’s going to take at least three months.”

“You never told me that.”

“Yes, I did. You’ve had two total knee replacements done within the span of six weeks time. That’s two major surgeries, one nearly right after another. That means a lot of muscle, bone and nerve pain and healing. And all that takes time, at least three months, and that’s on the optimistic side.”

“You never told me that.”

“Yes, I did. The pain and discomfort will be with you for quite a while. Your rehab and return to normal is going to take a long time. You know it’s getting better, but it often can be a slow process.”

“You never told me that.”

“Yes, I did. You knew it would take time, which is why you need to be more patient. And also that there’s no reason for you to be concerned about asking for refills of your pain meds.”

“Thank God you told me that. Tell me again.”

I mean, really, in the grand scope of things, what I had done can’t even be called a flesh wound.

Well, hello there.

So nice to be feeling alive, nearly human and almost funny enough to be writing again. Today, logging back on here for the first time in forever, I discovered a profoundly gratifying thing – many of you have continued to visit and have been reading old bits of my blog often and regularly, despite my far-too-long MIA status.

To everyone, thank you. Seeing something like this tells me two things. One, that I better get writing right away before the crap in the archives gets so old it’s beyond mold, and no one ever comes back.

And two, some of you must have even better drugs than I do.

Thank God for that.

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Up from the bed he arose …

Well, these past few days have not been very much fun at all. Let’s decide now to not do this knee surgery thing ever again. Oh, right. I’m doing it again next month. Silly me. Stupid me.

You know this would have been one helluva good “What I Did on My Summer Vacation” essay if I was going back to third-grade in the fall.

Greetings! Hope all is well with you! Just a quick note to say I’ve been to Hell and presently am on my way back to Earth. Stopped at Mars on the way and can definitively report that author John Gray got it all back-asswards – I saw only women living there. So that’s where they’re from and it’s the men who are from Venus.

Let’s send him a group email, demand a retraction and 100 percent of our psyches back.

Speaking of back, it appears I may be as well. I think I’m going to try this writing thing again later today.

At least, at this point in my recovery, I’m feeling I can use my hands and fingers for something other than to pull my hair out.

Walk a WHAT with no shoes???

But I don’t want to walk down there.

“But don’t you want to see where you’ve been for the past few days?”

I know where I’ve been, I even know where I am. I’ve been in a hospital that slipped me a Mickey the other day, took my knee out, put in a replacement made of LEGO™ building blocks, and sold my old one to some rich Chinese guy who ground it up and smoked it and now believes that his gout is cured and his penis is three inches longer.

“My, don’t we have an active imagination.”

Mister, considering the pain I’ve been in and the rock-em-knock-em medications you’ve been feeding me, I been living on imagination and saltine crackers.

“Well, considering that, you can’t really believe all of what you just said.”

Yeah, you got me there. My knee wasn’t as young as it used to be. Guy’s probably only going to get two inches.

People in hospitals don’t seem to quite understand what they do. They cut you open, saw or gnaw out a part of you, put in a fake piece, close you up, put a big band-aid on it, put you a room and then come back fifteen minutes later and ask you if you want to go for a walk.

And what’s worse, they so, so damn nice about it.

So, this is my world for the moment, and you’re welcome to it. It ain’t so bad, really. Food’s decent. Drugs are excellent, which probably makes the food decent. All the damn clothes don’t have anything in back, though. These folks definitely are ass people.

l’ll be leaving here in a few hours, which means they’ll be lighting up the “Vacancy” sign soon. If you happen to be limpy or gimpy, c’mon down!

Remember, there’s a couple million more rich Chinese guys where mine came from.

I fought the pain …

… and the pain won.

You know, walking is vastly overrated. You’d think by now we would have come up with a cure for it. I mean, I’ve walked all over the place for more than 50 years now, where else do I really have to go?

Been there, done that. It’s about time that people and places started coming to me. Yeah.

For two days, I’ve been staring at a large piece of me – my right leg – laying as if it were dead to me. They call it a pain block. Freaky feeling for sure, but it had its advantages. First and foremost, if I didn’t feel my leg, I also didn’t feel what had been done to it.

I found out what that was around 2:30 a.m. Woke me up out of dead sleep. If my knee had a face, it would have been Al Pacino’s Tony Montoya, smiling up at me.

“Let me introduce you to my leeeettle frien’!”

I called for backup. Grabbed the TV remote/light-turner-on-er/GET ME A FREAKIN NURSE NOW thingie. They anticipated my call. There was a button marked PAIN.

“Can i help you?”

Oh yeah you can – either you can get the number of the ambulance that just ran over my leg, or grab the nearest sterile hand grenade, pull the hypo-allergenic pin and toss it in here! Latex gloves optional!

“I’ll bring you something for the pain.”

God bless you – anything, as long as it’s lethal.

“Oh, Mr.Waterman, you’re so funny.”

Nice to know I can maintain my sense of humor in the face of such excruciating adversity. I ought to have them rolling in the halls when they have me try walking later today.

Anybody know the words to “Tears of a Clown”?

“We can rebuild him …

… we have the technology.”

Two things:

First, I want to thank every reader, visitor, stumble-uponer and follower of this blog. It’s been an absolute blast from Day One. And rest assured (or be warned) – there’s so much more fun to come. For, in the words of that famous poet … no, not Robert Frost, Karen Carpenter of The Carpenters:

We’ve only just begun ….

Second, I’m going to have to step away from the laptop for a bit as I’m going under the knife to have the first of two knee replacement surgeries. But be warned – I really hate not writing. So, maybe the hospital has free wi-fi and heck, who knows? I just may write better under anesthesia.

In any case, this is just a temporary setback for me – and respite for you. For, in the words of that famous philosopher … no, not Plato, Arnold Schwarzenegger in “The  Terminator”:

I’ll be back.