Dear Santa Claus,

You’re fired.

Oh, don’t give me that “Ho-ho-ho-no” bit. You know what I’m saying to you. You’re canned. Downsized. Given the shiny black boot. How about sacked, does that ring a jingle bell with you? So stay off of my roof and don’t try coming down my chimney this year – I’ve closed the flue. Oh, and pick up after your damn reindeer before you leave – don’t you gift pooper-scoopers?

Yeah, yeah. I know I’ve been writing to you for 50-plus straight years and now you’re wondering what the hell made this year different from all of the rest. Let’s just say I have enough underwear and socks already. Let’s just say I’m not buying that “the Maserati’s in the mail” line you give me every year. Let’s just say I don’t need you to get all the merry Christmas gifts I really want and wish for.

I’ve found Stupid.com.

After all the Christmas wrapping I’ve ripped through, not once did you ever leave me presents like the ones I found on this cool website. So hit the road – I’ll get them myself. And I don’t even have to sit on the lap of an overweight, unshaven, old man to get them.

Why, there’s so many thoughtful and useful things on this site, I can do my Christmas shopping for family and friends, all in one place.

And when that happens, don’t be surprised if my relatives and pals start locking you out of their houses too. They won’t need you either, once they learn where I got their nifty Yuletide presents. Check these out, Santa baby, and tell me if your little army of elves can bang together stuff like this using a few pieces of wood, a little glue and some paint.

THE POTTY PUTTER

Everyone knows what happens when you take your average human, mix in a volcanic intestinal disturbance and a couple of magazines, put them all in a bathroom, close the door and – poop – you got yourself a missing person. Well, if you’re going to be in there for a couple of hours anyway, why not put that down time to good use and turn yourself into a golf pro! You’ll be the envy of your golfing buddies as they watch you effortlessly sink putt after putt, even if your pants happen to drop down around your ankles. And when they ask how you do it, hand them a pack of chewable laxatives, wink and head off for the next tee. Or the men’s room in the clubhouse. And it’s only $23.99!

Reach into that big bag, jolly old St. Nick, and pull out one of these gifts for me. Aha – I thought not.

ONE BUTTON FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Your car engine blows up. The wife leaves you. The kids leave you. The hamster leaves you. Life sure can be full of those occasional occasions that will leave you speechless. At a loss for words, even. Well, no more. Just a push of this button and … enough said. In 10 different “rage-conducive WTF! phrases,” according to the description. There’s a wild-west one, a piano-ballad version, even a rap-style one. You’ll be ready with an answer to whatever life throws at you. At the push of a button. And all for just $14.99.

And speaking of buttons,

WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY …

Let’s say you’re in Switzerland for the holidays. Maybe climbing around in the Alps. Suddenly, a storm comes up the mountainside, a blast of wind topples you from the summit and there you are – hanging from a rocky crag by only one strap of your lederhosen. What are you going to do?

Well, that’s easy, thanks to Stupid.com. You’re going to reach into one of your knee socks, pull out this little device, aim it down toward the civilization below you and push the button. In no time at all, you’ll be surrounded by more Gunthers and Hildas than you can throw a bag of Swiss chocolate at. Probably a couple of slobbering St. Bernard’s too. And all brought to you with one press of your … Emergency Yodel Button.

And while we’re on the subject of being saved, let’s not forget the real meaning of Christmas. Rest assured, the people at Stupid.com didn’t. But it’s just in their own special, slightly odd, way.

THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS RELIGIOUS

When my son was young, he used to play with He-Man action figures. If he were a wee lad today, I know he’d be playing with his The Man action figure. I know that because I’d buy this Jesus action figure for him. Talk about your superhero, saving the day … the world. And it would only set me back $10.99.

Hallelujah.

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For the Dad who doesn’t need anything …

Dear son,

I figured I’d wait until today to give you some Father’s Day gift ideas. Mostly, because I don’t really want anything. I received my greatest gift on the day you were born.

Oh, stop that. I can hear you gagging from here. And I was talking about my automatic federal tax deduction for dependents anyway. So there.

But really, I don’t need or want anything. But if you’re still running from store to store, looking for that perfect gift … well, stop running and come over to the house. I got a catalog here with a couple dog-eared pages that you can take home. Pick one and surprise me when the FedEx guy pulls up in my driveway.

Deal? Deal. That’s what father’s are for – we fix things. Right after we’ve broken them.

This is what I found in my Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. You know old HS – they’ve been “offering the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 164 Years.” Nice bunch of rich folks. Here’s some things I can live without, but why they hell do I have to if you’ll buy them for me:

Meet Fifi, my trusty guard triceratops

The 20-foot animatronic triceratops – $350,000.

Pretty cool, eh? This is just like the ones you see in the museums. Twenty feet long, this little baby responds to onlookers with “lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing.” I mean, is there any other kind of bellowing, really? It’s got motion-activated cameras for eyes so whatever a person does, it responds in a probable dinosaurian way – “sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling – all powered by digitally controlled servos and silent, pneumatic air-activated cams.”

Nifty – you get me this and I’ll sit outside and wait for the door-to-door salesmen and Jehovah Witnesses to come calling. Fun is! Or, how about this, you know how much I like to fish:

Who needs a fishing pole – drop a depth charge.

The Genuine PT Boat – $1,000,000.

This is real, I mean the REAL PT-728, a 66-1/2 year-old restored Patrol Torpedo Boat from World War II. Knock me over with a torpedo! HS says it’s one of 12 remaining PT boats in the world. She is “armed” (all weapons are deactivated – damn) with a “single .50- and two twin .50-caliber Browning machine gun stations, an aft 20mm Oerlikon cannon, four tubes that each housed a Mark VIII torpedo, and two depth charge launchers.” And she’s no old slouch either – updated with modern electronics, radar, and two turbo-charged diesel engines providing 1,100 total horsepower.

Sweeeet. And speaking of swift, how about this little “econo” car?

Think of all the gas, and time, I’ll be saving.

The 120 MPH Electric Car – $108,000

Talk about green – we’re talking GREEN LIGHT here. This electric car can accelerate from zero to 60 mph in 4.0 seconds to a top speed of 120 mph “in one gear with no shifting, thanks to its two electric motors – smaller versions of the same kind found in diesel-electric locomotives”! Choo-choo, baby! And the thing is safe and maybe bullet-proof too. A chassis of stainless steel, its got a chrome-moly roll cage and body panels made of carbon fiber, Kevlar and fiberglass. It generates no emissions and operates from a set of lead-acid batteries that can recharge using any service up to 50 amps, enough power for a range of 40-80 miles.

I can’t wait to be the first on my block to silently blow the doors off the neighbors’ gas-guzzlers. Make them green with envy, I tell you.

See? No problem, no worries – I’m not so hard to buy for, am I?