Sucki Olympics breaking news!

U.S OLYMPIANS NAB FIRST SLOPESTYLE SNOWBOARD GOLD
2014-02-09 09.22.43Americans Sage Kotsenburg, upper left, and Jamie Anderson flew, twirled and flipped off the rest of the world’s best snowboarders to take the first gold medals awarded in the brand-new Winter Olympic event. To most observers not really a surprise since we Yanks invented the damn sport. But probably not to one observer, fellow American Olympian and snowboarding icon Shaun White. He sadly backed out of the event, declining to tackle the slopestyle’s inclines possibly after discovering that clipping his hair may have clipped his aerodynamic wings. His comment: Yeah, whatever. I got my own clothing line of boys clothes at Target.

And in other breaking Olympics news …

RUSSIAN PLUMBERS TURN WATER INTO GOLD AT SUCKI
2014-02-09 09.19.57Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin may not walk away with a personal gold medal for his Sucki Olympic Games, but look at him – does that look like a man crying about it? Nyet! As the world leader single-handedly promoting stray-dog shooting as an Olympic demonstration sport says: I ain’t blowing $50 billion U.S. for nothing, comrades.

God Save the Queen’s budget!

20140201-133234.jpgIt ain’t easy being Queen. Or prince, princess, duchess or duke.

Recent reports reveal a lot of moths but not much moolah in the British monarchy’s royal bank account. A passel of the palaces are falling apart. Repairs are falling behind while their upkeep climbs. And that’s not all of it. Bottom line – the cost of just being royal is just, well, a royal pain.

Why, in 2001 the Royal Reserve Fund, which is used to fill the annual budget gaps, was stuffed with 35 million pounds (about $57 million U.S.). The latest count has it down to its last million.

Not surprisingly, many members of Britain’s parliament, aren’t happy. Off with their expense accounts, they cry!

OK, not quite that drastic. But they do demand the royal household get a tighter grip on its financial purse strings.

But how does a royal family do that?

Glad you asked. Yeah, you could pinch shillings or whatever you find under the cushions of the palace furniture. But where’s the fun in that? That’s so … common.

Your highnesses, think higher! Actually, you don’t have to think at all – I’ve done it for you. Follow some of the following and I guarantee you prosperity.

1. Resume the Hundred Years’ War and invade France.
imageHey, if it lasted from 1337 to 1453 it must have been lucrative, otherwise you would have run out of money 50 years into it. And now’s no better time for you to sneak over there. The whole country’s got their backs to you. They’re all on the lookout for their man-about-town-on-a-scooter president, trying to figure out which French movie starlet he’s hooking up with this week. And consider this – the proceeds from selling off the Eiffel Tower scrap metal alone should bring a pretty quid, or farthing, or whatever.

2. Rent Out the Royal Bling
British Crown JewelsDo you have any idea how many women get married every year on that island of yours? Me neither. But I’ll bet it’s quite a few. And even more, I’ll bet Buckingham Palace that every single one of them dreams of being the Queen for a day. On their special day, especially. Well, let’s make it happen! For a small fee, of course.

And what about the gang of Beefeaters tagging along to make sure the Crown Jewels find their way back to the Tower of London? The finest, best-dressed wedding ushers, for a small additional charge! Cha-ching!

Sound crazy? A little ridiculous? Picture this – Prince Charles, standing on a busy corner in downtown London. As the cars rush by him he’s holding up a handwritten cardboard sign: “Will abdicate for food.”

I thought so. Bottom line – when the money runs low …

3. … a Queen’s gotta do what a Queen’s gotta do.2014-02-01 19.53.10

No man is an iPad …

no_man_is_an_iPad.JPG… well, maybe not.

I’m writing this blog on my iPad. I read two newspapers, a dozen reports on one news service and a couple magazines earlier on my iPad. I checked my email on my iPad. I prepared all of the pictures here on my iPad.

As a matter of fact, lately I pretty much don’t go anywhere in this house without my iPad.

As a matter of complete fabrication, if a herd of rabid wildebeest were running through my backyard right now, I would use my iPad to defend myself.

That’s not true, of course.

I’d use my wife’s iPad.

“What the hell happened to my iPad?”

“Strangest thing, hon. Rabid wildebeest to my left, rabid wildebeest to my right. What else could I do but beat them off with my iPad.”

“But this is my iPad.”

“Tragic case of mistaken identity, my dear. Tragic.”

High technology never got me this … high before. But then my wife told me she’d like an iPad for Christmas.

Why not, I thought. Sure.

“We could share it.”

Why not, I thought. Sure.image

I went and picked it up. It was light. It was pretty. It was freaking thin – a mere credit card on steroids.

But looks aren’t everything of course. I wasn’t impressed. Hell, I have a desktop. I have a laptop. I have a notebook. I have a tablet.

What’s an iPad going to do that they can’t?

After setting up “our” iPad, it became apparent if I was ever going to find the answer to that question, it was going to take a while.

“Um … I thought we were going to share this thing.”

“We are. I’ll be done with it in a couple minutes. Then it’s all yours.”

“It’s nearly 3 a.m.”

“Is it, really? My, my.”

I should have seen this coming. Something needed to be done.image“What’s that?”

“I think they call it an iPad.”

“You bought your own iPad?”

“That would be an affirmative dear.”

“But we were going to share this one. Couple more minutes and I was finished playing with it.”

“Uh-huh. You said the same thing almost two days ago. I got tired of waiting.”

“Two days, really? My, my.”

Yeah, maybe I’m exaggerating. Yeah, an iPad is an amazing little piece of technology, but it’s just an overgrown smartphone. Or a dink of a desktop.

Or a diabolically-designed mind-meld machine soon to take over the world and every person living on it.

Nah, I’m probably just exaggerating.
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imageWell, maybe not.

One of these sweaters …

… is not like the others … can you tell which one it is?

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Tough one, ain’t it? What’s that? You want a hint? Whadaya think this is, Sesame Street? Oh, alright. Watch the opening ceremonies of the Sochi Winter Olympics on Feb. 7 for the answer.

We wish you …

Mom and Rocky kiss … a merry Christmas …
Merry Wilbur 1 … We wish you …
Merry Zoe … a merry Christmas!

We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy neeeew … Merry Rocky Whatever. Give me the damn treat you promised me.