No more “Got Milk?”

batman-got-milkElsie the Cow is rolling over in her milking stall.

The Milk Processor Education Program (MilkPEP), an industry marketing program funded by milk processors, has announced it’s retiring its simple, iconic and brilliantly effective “Got Milk?” marketing slogan. Two simple words that produced two decades worth of successful advertisements. Two words that drew tons of celebrities (and The Dark Knight), all willing to sport milk moustaches for commercial posterity. Two words that spawned two bizzillion ripped-off variations of its catchy theme.

Very possibly there are only two other English words spoken together that have had an equally powerful impact on American culture.

Bite me.

So what are milk’s new two words? According to Ad Age, the new campaign will promote milk as a nutritious source of energy and protein and they’re …

“Milk Life.”

Really. Really?

Frankly, I could steal better slogans than the one they probably paid a small fortune to get. Here’s three ideas I came up with in less than 20 minutes of deep meditative thought (hey, stealing slogans ain’t exactly brain surgery). And I probably would have charged MilkPEP half of what they paid for the new one for any one of these.

Check that – two-thirds of what they paid. Why sell myself short.

From: Pork … it’s the other white meat.2014-02-24 20.24.50
From: Where’s the beef?2014-02-24 19.40.01
From: Beef … it’s what’s for dinner2014-02-24 19.47.15

Battling White Death, again

White Death NYC 1947When I worked at a newspaper, we used to call big snowstorms “White Death.” Well, at least I used to call them that – run around the newsroom exclaiming “White Death is coming! We’re all gonna die!” and the other editors would roll their eyes and tell me to shut the hell up.

Who’d have thought censorship would run rampant within the very bowels of red-white-and-blue journalism itself. But I saw it – I was there. You’d think I was running around yelling “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater or something. Sheesh.

Anyway, we suffered another pretty substantial snowstorm yesterday, the latest in what’s becoming a long string of snowy misery not just in my part of the country but in many regions of the nation. Just ask Georgia and North Carolina if you don’t believe me. Oh, I forgot. You can’t. They’re all frozen stiff in their cars on the interstates.

White Death strikes again, southern-style.

So, in lieu of anyone else still alive to tell the tale, allow me, as a lifelong resident of The Land of Ice and Snow (a.k.a. White Death), to offer some advice on the best ways to dig oneself out and keep at bay the “I-Have-Seen-The-Devil-and-He-Is-White-Death-and-He-Is-All-Over-My-Freaking-Driveway.”

First, for one to successfully survive, one first must know how to successfully succumb. And then not do that.
toeplowStylish? Yes. Effective? Pitifully, no. That is unless you are attacked by White Death once … a decade.
bicycle snow plowJudging from the exceptionally “busy” amount of gadgets, doo-dads and add-ons applied here, creating this White Death weapon obviously took much thought and work. Unfortunately, too much thought and work. Poor man hasn’t anything left to actually fight the battle now. If I’m not mistaken, the cage-like apparatus on the back may be a variant of the old coal-mining canary-in-a-cage warning system. If you see your canary frozen, you’re about to be frozen. Verdict: Dead.SnowmowerSigh, another nice try. But you know what they say – the family that mows the snow together … dies from White Death together.snow vacuumAh, God bless the man who happily helps with the housework around his humble homestead. For him there’s reserved a special place in Heaven, far from the White Death that claimed him – called the Beach of Perpetual Warmness.

Alrightie – so we now know how not to battle White Death. But there’s got to be a way to fight and live to see another snowstorm, right?

A couple, actually.snowshovellingNO, NO, and another NO. You didn’t really think I’ve strung you along all this way for this???? Good, you had me worried there for a second.
remote snowplow 1snowplow 4White Death can’t kill what it can’t get its frozen little hands on. Brought to you by Superdroidrobots.com, let me introduce you to my little friend – the Custom RC 6WD Robot with Snowplow. Absolute brilliance-in-motion! I can feel White Death cringing.

Sadly, cringing only for a moment. Alas, Mother Technology’s answer to Mother Nature is … out of stock. Even at $8,500 apiece. But you can get your orders in now for next winter.

Yes, I hear you. Next winter?!?! Next winter?!?? How do we survive to next winter!?!
al-gore-flamethrower1Yup, that’s Al Gore. Screw global warming. This is war.

What a way to go

king-tut-coffinHere’s one question that always comes up at some point in everyone’s life – your death. Actually, your after-death.

So, how do you want to go … after you’re gone? You know, post-croak. Past your “best-if-used-before” date. Nod off for The Big Sleep. Cash out in the final checkout line. Exit, stage life.

“I don’t want to be buried,” my wife told me a while back when the subject came up. “I don’t want to be in the ground. That’s too creepy and gross.”

“Me neither,” said I.

“So you want to be cremated too?”

“Nope. I want to be stuffed.”

“Stuffed? Like a raccoon or a bear?”

“Ayup. Have me stuffed standing up, with a big friendly smile on my face.”

“Anything else?”

“Just a couple more wishes. Plant me standing up in the front yard, by the side of the road with one arm up in the air. Maybe with a little motor in it so it waves it back and forth to the cars going by the house. In fact, maybe pull out the mailbox and put me there. You could attach the box to me and then put my other arm to good use.”

“I’m afraid to ask, but I must – for what?”

“Arm up – and the mailman knows there’s outgoing mail in the box. Think of that. I’d not only be decorative, but practical too. Perfect.”

“Really, that’s disgusting.”

“I suppose discussing Christmas lights would be over the top then …”

Now, before you write off my last request as just another goofy thing only my mind is capable of concocting, think again. I’m not the only one out there. And I know this because some pretty odd final requests … have been granted.

And in this corner …
puerto rican boxer wakeIf you haven’t noticed, Christopher Rivera Amaro of Puerto Rico is a boxer. It was his life. Well, it was until tragically he was killed in a shooting in January. A funeral home director handling the burial services for Rivera’s family told the Associated Press they wanted to stress his boxing. So the funeral home suggested posing him in a ring for his wake.
puerto rican boxerLooks like they were happy with the idea. That’s his mother on the left, his wife at right and his son kneeling in front of him.

Riding off into the cemetery …
Man-Buried-Riding-His-Harley-Davidson-MotorcycleBilly Standley loved his 1967 Harley. So much the Mechanicsburg, Ohio, man wasn’t about to leave this physical world without it and he told his family about it. He bought additional grave plots next to his wife and his sons built the special plexiglass coffin so he and his vintage Electra Glide …
Man-Buried-Riding-His-Harley-Davidson-Motorcycle-3… could ride off into the topsoil.

Now, about those Christmas lights …

Sucki Olympics breaking news!

U.S OLYMPIANS NAB FIRST SLOPESTYLE SNOWBOARD GOLD
2014-02-09 09.22.43Americans Sage Kotsenburg, upper left, and Jamie Anderson flew, twirled and flipped off the rest of the world’s best snowboarders to take the first gold medals awarded in the brand-new Winter Olympic event. To most observers not really a surprise since we Yanks invented the damn sport. But probably not to one observer, fellow American Olympian and snowboarding icon Shaun White. He sadly backed out of the event, declining to tackle the slopestyle’s inclines possibly after discovering that clipping his hair may have clipped his aerodynamic wings. His comment: Yeah, whatever. I got my own clothing line of boys clothes at Target.

And in other breaking Olympics news …

RUSSIAN PLUMBERS TURN WATER INTO GOLD AT SUCKI
2014-02-09 09.19.57Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin may not walk away with a personal gold medal for his Sucki Olympic Games, but look at him – does that look like a man crying about it? Nyet! As the world leader single-handedly promoting stray-dog shooting as an Olympic demonstration sport says: I ain’t blowing $50 billion U.S. for nothing, comrades.

God Save the Queen’s budget!

20140201-133234.jpgIt ain’t easy being Queen. Or prince, princess, duchess or duke.

Recent reports reveal a lot of moths but not much moolah in the British monarchy’s royal bank account. A passel of the palaces are falling apart. Repairs are falling behind while their upkeep climbs. And that’s not all of it. Bottom line – the cost of just being royal is just, well, a royal pain.

Why, in 2001 the Royal Reserve Fund, which is used to fill the annual budget gaps, was stuffed with 35 million pounds (about $57 million U.S.). The latest count has it down to its last million.

Not surprisingly, many members of Britain’s parliament, aren’t happy. Off with their expense accounts, they cry!

OK, not quite that drastic. But they do demand the royal household get a tighter grip on its financial purse strings.

But how does a royal family do that?

Glad you asked. Yeah, you could pinch shillings or whatever you find under the cushions of the palace furniture. But where’s the fun in that? That’s so … common.

Your highnesses, think higher! Actually, you don’t have to think at all – I’ve done it for you. Follow some of the following and I guarantee you prosperity.

1. Resume the Hundred Years’ War and invade France.
imageHey, if it lasted from 1337 to 1453 it must have been lucrative, otherwise you would have run out of money 50 years into it. And now’s no better time for you to sneak over there. The whole country’s got their backs to you. They’re all on the lookout for their man-about-town-on-a-scooter president, trying to figure out which French movie starlet he’s hooking up with this week. And consider this – the proceeds from selling off the Eiffel Tower scrap metal alone should bring a pretty quid, or farthing, or whatever.

2. Rent Out the Royal Bling
British Crown JewelsDo you have any idea how many women get married every year on that island of yours? Me neither. But I’ll bet it’s quite a few. And even more, I’ll bet Buckingham Palace that every single one of them dreams of being the Queen for a day. On their special day, especially. Well, let’s make it happen! For a small fee, of course.

And what about the gang of Beefeaters tagging along to make sure the Crown Jewels find their way back to the Tower of London? The finest, best-dressed wedding ushers, for a small additional charge! Cha-ching!

Sound crazy? A little ridiculous? Picture this – Prince Charles, standing on a busy corner in downtown London. As the cars rush by him he’s holding up a handwritten cardboard sign: “Will abdicate for food.”

I thought so. Bottom line – when the money runs low …

3. … a Queen’s gotta do what a Queen’s gotta do.2014-02-01 19.53.10

One of these sweaters …

… is not like the others … can you tell which one it is?

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Tough one, ain’t it? What’s that? You want a hint? Whadaya think this is, Sesame Street? Oh, alright. Watch the opening ceremonies of the Sochi Winter Olympics on Feb. 7 for the answer.