The email was simple and to the point. It was sent to me by someone named “Dr. MaxMan.”
“We will make your device grow like a bamboo, try our method.”
Hmmm … interesting. Now, I’ve been around the block more than a few times. And during my travels I’ve heard a great number of claims about this wonder drug, or that super supplement, or this secret method for success. In fact we all know the drill too well. “Do this or use this or buy this and it’ll make you…
… strong like bull.
… smell like flower.
… smart like Wikipedia.
… big as a house.
… dumb as a rock.
… horny as a man left in solitary confinement for 27 years straight with no light and nothing but the Braille edition of the 1987 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
But I have to admit, I’ve never heard about one to make my “device grow like a bamboo.”
Oh, what the hell. Let’s give it a try. I didn’t click on the email address, but I did punch in the telephone number.“Hi there. I’d like to speak to Dr. MaxMan, please.”
“Who may I say is calling?”
“Do you have an appointment to speak with him?”
“Lady, you have a phone number. I have a device. I punched the numbers.”
“This is Mr. WaterMan speaking.”
“You must be joking.”
“No more than you are, Doc. I got your email. I’ve got a couple questions about your offer to grow my device like a bamboo. First off, I want to make sure we’re on the same anatomical page here. What device are you talking about?”
“You know, that device.”
“Oh, you mean that device.”
“Yes, that device.”
“Cool. Now, say I buy your “method” here, Doc. How do I know it’s really going to work?”
“Trust me. I don’t call me Dr. MaxMan for nothing.”
“Try again. I need more proof than that.”
“OK, I’ll send you a picture of one of my satisfied customers.”
Ding goes my Inbox.“Very happy woman there, don’t you think?”
“Uh, that’s a lot of bamboo, Maxie.”
“She’s very popular. Has a lot of men friends.”
“Uh, I see that. But it sure looks like there are some, shall we say, side-effects here.”
“You say, grow my device like a bamboo, my method grows it like a bamboo. You get what you pay for. As long as you follow all of the directions, you’ll be fine. Only had one issue and that was because the man didn’t follow directions. I’ll send you another picture.”
“Yeah, I can see what you mean. Sheesh, how did that happen to him?”
“Says right in the directions – big letters – NO TWIRLING. You twirl, well, I think you see what happens.”
“Definitely. But thinking about it, you just may have forgotten another one, Doc.”
“What do you mean? I know of no others. You must be joking.”
“No, no joke. Let me send you a picture.”
Ding goes his Inbox.