I live in Connecticut, one of the original 13 states of these United States. Part of Ye Olde New England. It’s a small state, with a little more than 3.5 million people and about 73 million trees. Lots of forest, that is.
With so few people and so many trees you’d think, even in these modern times, we’d be pretty accustomed to seeing things like birds, squirrels, raccoons, deer, Peeping Toms, Avon ladies and other wildlife in and amongst all of that wild and largely untamed timber.
But no. A few days ago, a wayward moose wandered through four rural Connecticut towns, causing general agog-ness with the residents and even commandeering a few minutes on the state TV stations’ local news programs.
Nothing earth-shattering. Unless you’re me – because I’ve realized people around here don’t know anything about the moose! This is not good but fear not, all is not lost. Since I just happen to be the author of “The Illustrated Guide to the Moose.”
This is a moose. Look at him closely. Burn his image into your brain. For to know a moose, one must know what the hell a moose looks like. In case one’s standing ahead of you in the checkout line. Remember – knowledge is power.
But just recognizing a moose doesn’t mean you understand one, really know one. What’s to know about a moose, you say? Read on grasshopper. You too can learn the ways of the mighty moose.
Way No. 1
Moose cannot cook. That’s why they forage in the forests and marshlands and eat, um, a lot of wet green things. So, if you walk into a diner, look behind the counter and see a moose like the one above – play it safe. Just order a salad.
Way No. 2
Moose cannot play football. So, if you’re sitting down on any given Sunday, flip on the big game and see a quarterback resembling the player illustrated above – call your bookie and bet your wallet, car, house, even your family on the opposing team.
Way No. 3
Moose do not drive. But they have been known to get behind the wheel, as illustrated above. So, say you’re sitting on a city bus and happen to notice the driver has antlers – get off at the next stop, walk away and don’t look back. Even if you happen to be a flying squirrel wearing a leather aviator’s helmet.
Way No. 4
Moose cannot do magic tricks. Yes, this fact of life appears to be news to the poor tuxedoed moose in the above illustration. That is, until you’re informed that he was trying to pull a rabbit out of that hat.
OK, so now you know what a moose cannot do. But they must be able to do something, you say.
Funny you should say that.
Way No. 5
Moose can run. Moose are big. Moose are tall. And most of a moose is made up of four big, long legs. Four more than you have. Do not challenge a moose to a 100-yard dash, a four-moose relay race, even a from-here-to-that-tree-and-back race. You will lose and he will own not only own the above trophy, but your pride.
Way No. 6