Lately, I haven’t been feeling as manly as I once did a few eons ago. I’m getting up there in years. Hair’s gone gray, going white in some places. My abs? Somebody took out my six-pack and stuck in a 2-liter bottle. Make that a 3-liter. My abdominals have gone abnormal. My skin’s gone from rippled to wrinkled.
As most humans my age and beyond, I’ve passed up and coming and I fear I’m fast closing in on pretty well gone. I just thank God my mind never advanced much beyond that of a three-year-old. So I can still think it, but doing it? Well, it seems my pop also has aged a bit and expanded as well. To pooped.
But … just in time … along comes medical science. The TV was on in the other room while I was doing something in the kitchen and I heard the commercial. The announcer’s pitch came straight at me like a too-far-inside fastball. Maybe all I really need is … a pharmaceutically-induced boost of testosterone!
It’s called AndroGel 1.62%. Testosterone gel. You put it on under your arms like deodorant and in no time, you not only don’t perspire, you’ve been chemically inspired back to your long-forgotten manliness!
Give me more testosterone or give me death!
With every passing second of the commercial, I saw the light of my life burning brighter and brighter. I could be rejuvenated, returned, rewired! No more going to work in a car – I’ll swing from vine to vine, tree to tree, to get there! It’s not someday my wonder drug will come, it’s already here!
Suddenly, the announcer’s voice became quieter, more solemn. I was having trouble hearing him. I walked to the doorway and began to hear the rambling of the possible side effects …
• Do not apply AndroGel 1.62% to any other parts of your body such as your stomach area (abdomen), penis, or scrotum.
• Stop using AndroGel 1.62% and call your healthcare provider right away if you see any signs and symptoms of puberty in a child, or changes in body hair or increased acne in a woman, that may have occurred through accidental exposure to AndroGel 1.62%.
• Do not use AndroGel 1.62% if you have breast cancer or have or might have prostate cancer.
• AndroGel 1.62% is not meant for use in women and must not be used in women who are or may become pregnant, or are breast-feeding. AndroGel 1.62% may harm the unborn or breast-feeding baby. Women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant should avoid contact with the area of skin where AndroGel 1.62% has been applied.
• AndroGel 1.62% can cause serious side effects, including:
If you already have enlargement of your prostate gland, your signs and symptoms can get worse while using AndroGel 1.62% (including changes in urination).
Possible increased risk of prostate cancer.
In large doses, AndroGel 1.62% may lower your sperm count
Swelling of your ankles, feet, or body, with or without heart failure. This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney, or liver disease.
Enlarged or painful breasts.
Having problems breathing while you sleep (sleep apnea).
Blood clots in the legs; this can include pain, swelling, or redness of your legs.
• AndroGel 1.62% is flammable until dry. Let AndroGel 1.62% dry before smoking or going near an open flame …
The bright light of my life dimmed … gone in 60 seconds. How can one swing from tree to tree with “enlarged or painful breasts”?
I stopped listening. Walked over to the fridge. Opened the door, reached in and pulled out a couple bottles of Ensure.
Might as well drink my troubles away.