Aha! I am not no dumbie

dunce-capYesterday I wrote about the deteriorating state of my aging body. Sad story indeed.

But what of my mind? Is it, as I noted then, still running at the supreme cognitive power of a three-year-old? Well, think again. I have come to the realization my body may be failing but it’s a whole ‘nother story when it comes to the mental stuff crammed into my crumbling cranium. My mind is not in fact functioning at the level of a mere toddler. It appears I am smarter than your average 8th-grader.

In 1912.

overall test

And I have the test results to prove it. Thanks to a recent discovery by Kentucky’s Bullitt County History Museum – a 101-year-old exam given to the county’s 8th-graders in 1912.

If it was good enough for them, it must be good enough for me. A proper education must have been better back then. After all, those were the “good old days,” right?

So, I took the test. And aced it. With no studying or cheating, even. Allow me to share a few of my intellectual highlights, in just one of my particular specialities – grammar.

The questions:bcschoolexam1912sm grammar

The answers:

1. Four. Spoken, Written, Campaign and Slurred.
2. Proper noun: King. Common noun: Serf. Properties: Proper rules. Common toils.
3. Do I know you? None of your damn business.
4. Racetracks, strip clubs, flophouses, to name a few.
5. “James struck William.”
6. Three. 1st: great balls of fire. 2nd: Great balls of fire. 3rd: GREAT balls of fire.
7. You want a diagram? Hell, I can do better than an measly old diagram …
cheerful givers

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Be a manly man! … never mind

Manly menLately, I haven’t been feeling as manly as I once did a few eons ago. I’m getting up there in years. Hair’s gone gray, going white in some places. My abs? Somebody took out my six-pack and stuck in a 2-liter bottle. Make that a 3-liter. My abdominals have gone abnormal. My skin’s gone from rippled to wrinkled.

As most humans my age and beyond, I’ve passed up and coming and I fear I’m fast closing in on pretty well gone. I just thank God my mind never advanced much beyond that of a three-year-old. So I can still think it, but doing it? Well, it seems my pop also has aged a bit and expanded as well. To pooped.

But … just in time … along comes medical science. The TV was on in the other room while I was doing something in the kitchen and I heard the commercial. The announcer’s pitch came straight at me like a too-far-inside fastball. Maybe all I really need is … a pharmaceutically-induced boost of testosterone!

It’s called AndroGel 1.62%. Testosterone gel. You put it on under your arms like deodorant and in no time, you not only don’t perspire, you’ve been chemically inspired back to your long-forgotten manliness!
girly-man-arnoldGive me more testosterone or give me death!

With every passing second of the commercial, I saw the light of my life burning brighter and brighter. I could be rejuvenated, returned, rewired! No more going to work in a car – I’ll swing from vine to vine, tree to tree, to get there! It’s not someday my wonder drug will come, it’s already here!

overly-manly-man

Suddenly, the announcer’s voice became quieter, more solemn. I was having trouble hearing him. I walked to the doorway and began to hear the rambling of the possible side effects …

• Do not apply AndroGel 1.62% to any other parts of your body such as your stomach area (abdomen), penis, or scrotum.

• Stop using AndroGel 1.62% and call your healthcare provider right away if you see any signs and symptoms of puberty in a child, or changes in body hair or increased acne in a woman, that may have occurred through accidental exposure to AndroGel 1.62%.

• Do not use AndroGel 1.62% if you have breast cancer or have or might have prostate cancer.

• AndroGel 1.62% is not meant for use in women and must not be used in women who are or may become pregnant, or are breast-feeding. AndroGel 1.62% may harm the unborn or breast-feeding baby. Women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant should avoid contact with the area of skin where AndroGel 1.62% has been applied.

• AndroGel 1.62% can cause serious side effects, including:

If you already have enlargement of your prostate gland, your signs and symptoms can get worse while using AndroGel 1.62% (including changes in urination).

Possible increased risk of prostate cancer.

In large doses, AndroGel 1.62% may lower your sperm count

Swelling of your ankles, feet, or body, with or without heart failure. This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney, or liver disease.

Enlarged or painful breasts.

Having problems breathing while you sleep (sleep apnea).

Blood clots in the legs; this can include pain, swelling, or redness of your legs.

• AndroGel 1.62% is flammable until dry. Let AndroGel 1.62% dry before smoking or going near an open flame …

The bright light of my life dimmed … gone in 60 seconds. How can one swing from tree to tree with “enlarged or painful breasts”?

I stopped listening. Walked over to the fridge. Opened the door, reached in and pulled out a couple bottles of Ensure.

Might as well drink my troubles away.

Real-life hidden object picture!

screen1How I do love thee, hidden object picture games? Let me count the ways. I’ve got a million of them. For hours I stare at picture after picture, stuffed to the incognito with all manner of hidden animal, vegetable and inanimate things. And I find them. They can blend in, but they can’t hide forever.

Yes, it can be daunting. Yes, it can be frustrating. That’s part of the game, the challenge. As difficult as it is to try your eye at a hidden object picture game, there’s no greater joy than peering at the head of an old man in the corner and realizing hey, wait a minute, that’s not gray hair … that’s the tiny image of a gray 1952 Studebaker four-door sedan parked on his bald spot! Tap on that sucker … you are mine, no longer lost but found!

So, imagine my surprise to see the fiction of a hidden object picture become reality recently. All thanks to a circus in Bitburg, Germany. Seems one of the performers escaped and tried a hidden object picture ploy to evade the chasing police. What follows, in glorious true-life color, is a photograph.hidden pictureOK now, take a look, a real close look, and find the hidden object.

Nooooo, that’s not a clown behind the wheel of the car at left. Nice try. Look again.

Nooooo, there’s no two-ton black rhino lurking in the shadows of the trailer up the street. Look harder.

Sigh. That is not a pink elephant floating above the cars in front of the building in the way background. Put down the drink, put on your glasses and really LOOK this time!

I’m waiting.

Please. Those are street lights. Freaking giraffes are not that skinny.

All right, all right. A hint. Stripes. In the road. LOOK AT THE STRIPES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!

Don’t play this game much, do you?

I’m in the money …

baltimore-lotsofmoneyI don’t know why so many people spend so much time worrying about money, or the lack thereof. After all this is America, the land of milk and money.

It confuses me. Only answer I can come up with for why this non-issue is so prevalent is most people don’t get the same emails I do, on an insanely regular basis.

And all of them are about money. My money.

Why, I have so much money out there I nearly have to beat off the piles of cash coming my way with a stick. A diamond-encrusted, solid 24-carat gold stick, no less.

People who don’t even know my name are asking – make that imploring – me to please take all of this loot off their hands. Must be cluttering up their living rooms or clogging their drains or something.
goes-down-the-drain-283443

“Attention beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your funds valued $10.5m dollars has been transferred to the bank Negara new York for easy payment via A.T.M. cash payment, so all you have to do is for you to reconfirm you banking information where you want us to transfer the fund valued $10.5m dollars. Very important you do this right away because we are now in final payment of the year, so that we can finish you with the information of the bank, negara new york:

YOUR FULL NAME
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER
YOU’RE TELEPHONE NUMBER
YOUR COUNTRY AND OCCUPATION

We are looking forward to hear from you a soon as you receive this mail for more information very important.

John kelly
Director foreign remittance department c.b.n.
telephnoe 2347031909754”

Sheesh, like I need another freaking $10.5 million dollars. Where the hell am I going to put it?

Listen, since this John Kelly doesn’t have a clue as to what my name is, if you’re one of the people who are worried about money, give me your email address and I’ll forward this thing to you and you can be “Attention beneficiary.” Just contact him and poof – the money’s yours.

Believe me, it’ll save me from a bunch of pain and trouble. You’d be doing me a favor. In fact, let me do you a favor. Just send me …

YOUR FULL NAME
YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER
YOU’RE TELEPHONE NUMBER
YOUR COUNTRY AND OCCUPATION

… and I’ll take care of the whole thing for you. No more worries for you. Less cash clutter for me.

What a deal.

Is it real, or is it Oreo?

original oreoLike most all-American persons, I like snack foods. So much so, I eat them all the time. Well, that’s not exactly true. I do take a break from eating snacks now and then.

Usually when I run out and have to go get some more.

There aren’t many snack foods I won’t eat, but there is one you’ll never catch me scarfing down – Oreos. Not a big fan of them. Don’t want to dunk them into my milk. Don’t care to twist their necks, pull their cookie heads off and just eat their insides. Nope, Oreos are safe around me.plain old oreosMilk’s favorite cookie? Not in my milk you don’t.

That said, you can imagine my surprise the other night when my wife and I were eating cookies. I was on my fifth one when a thought occurred to me.

“Um, what am I eating, by the way?”

“Oreos.”

“No freaking way, I don’t like Oreos.”

“Good thing then – I’m scared to imagine what you’d be doing if you did.”

“These aren’t Oreos. Oreos are black and white. These are yellow and uh, more yellow-er.”

“Special, limited edition Oreos. Lemon Twists.”lemon oreosIntroducing the Trojan Oreos.

I felt tricked. Bamboozled even. I was going to yell “No fair!,” but I was raised right and don’t talk with my mouth full. It’s not every day that one has a snack food revelation of such diabolical proportions. How could this be?

I needed answers. So I did what any naturally-curious all-American snack-food-eating person does in such a situation. I went to my laptop and Googled: “Oreos.” And found that not only are Oreos everywhere, they’re … everything.

Warning: The following images are graphic. They just may unhinge you to the core. As well give you a sugar high like you’ve never felt before.
banana split oreos

candy corn oreo

strawberry milkshake oreos

peanutbutter oreos

watermelon oreos My God, does it ever end? Nope.

Creamsicle oreos

Berry-Burst-Ice-Cream oreos

ice cream oreos“Shure, Bert!” Really? Really? Really.

gingerbread oreos

fudgesundae oreos

peppermint oreos

That was it. There were many more, but I could look no more. I stumbled from the computer room and into the living room, clutching my stomach, nearly drenched in sweat.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Oreos, they’re everywhere. No snack food is safe. They’re taking all of them over.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oreos … Oreos are taking the place of all of the snack food, I tell you. Did you ever see that movie, ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’?”

“No, why? Did it have Oreos in it?”
invasion-of-the-body-snatchers