Eat it and weep

“Don’t play with your food.”

“What else am I supposed to do with it?”

“You could try eating it.”

“What, and ruin my mashed potato Mona Lisa?

When I was a kid, I never had much of a chance when it came to conning my mother and talking my way out of eating all of the food on my plate. Of course it might have helped if the mashed potatos I’d smeared all over it actually looked like Mona Lisa.

Back then, if I played with my food for too long I’d get sent to my room. With the plate. These days, if some fast-food restaurants play with their food, they just may end up going to the bank. With the cash.

Take Pizza Hut Middle East, for an example. Yes, there’s a Middle Eastern division of the American-created chain of Italian fast food restaurants. Almost has a “world food” feel to it, doesn’t it?

Well, while you might think the people working at the Pizza Hut out there at the Oasis are just waiting around for the next caravan to pull in for take-out, they’re not. They’re playing with their food. And finding people actually will buy it and eat it.

All right, you read the English in the top lines from left to right, and then the Arabic lines underneath them from right to left. Bi-lingual Pizza Hut Middle East customers must get vertigo … just reading the menu.

Kit Kat cookie-candy encased in pizza dough. Interesting? Very interesting. Appetizing? Lemme think. No. And wouldn’t a Kit Kat melt out there in the dessert, I mean, desert? Gastronomically ghastly, you ask me.

But wait, not so fast-food there. The menu-making folks over at Pizza Hut U.K. evidently aren’t to be outdone by their Middle Eastern colleagues, though. Yes, there’s also a British branch of the American-based Italian fast-food restaurant chain. Now you know why King George was so adamant about crushing that nasty American Revolution way back when. The king wasn’t afraid of what we’d do over here, but what we might end up doing over there.

With good reason. The poor monarch may have woken up in the middle of the night suffering from nightmares of food like this being eaten in the realm.

I’ve heard pizza called a lot of things … but “succulent”? Blimey.

Yup, that’s a hot dog peeking out of that crust end there. Why else would you need a mustard “drizzle” for a pizza?

That may sound weird, but what would really seem odd is that this menu item is available only in the U.K. There are no plans to bring it to America.

Well, it doesn’t seem so crazy. We Americans would want nothing to do with such a crass combination on our dinner plates. Leave the weiners out of the pizza dough, mate. Well, unless there’s also cold beer in that crust. We have our standards, after all.

I mean, really. If you’re going to play with American pizzas, you’d better do something that makes sense. Or at least saves time.

Like the pies coming out of a Boston pizzeria called Salvatore’s. Someone there, wondering how to “jazz up” the pizzas, got the idea of combining them with toppings soaked and infused with booze – like raspberry-flavored vodka, Kahlua or rum.

Probably cuts down on the use and cleaning of glasses in the bar. See … aren’t we Americans clever? An idea not only for the thirsty, but the thrifty.

In the high-heat ovens, the pizzas quickly come out baked to perfection, though aren’t in there long enough to cook down the alcohol levels. But while Salvatore’s says some of their pizzas pack a punch and you need to be 21 and show an I.D. to buy one, you’d probably have to eat at least two to get a buzz from them.

Lemme think.

Can do.

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