Leave the luxury out of this

If you grew up on a dairy farm as I did, you know of a few fundamental truths that are true at every one, wherever it may be.

1. Diary farms have a lot of diary cows.

2. Diary cows’ cow-flop-to-gallon-of-milk ratio is about 1,005,962-to-1.

3. If you find yourself at a diary farm, you will step on a cow flop. More than once. However, you will never, ever sink your foot into a gallon of milk. It’s written right there in the numbers.

There’s another pretty common thing found at most farms, though I can’t say it’s universal anymore. Farms contain farm equipment graveyards. Maybe not so much now, but decades ago, farmers didn’t trade in old tractors, trucks and other machinery. If it would run no more, it might be end up at the edge of the field, or behind a barn, or off in the nearby woods.

And there it would stay. And slowly decay. Slowly.

Go ahead, feel free to drive it away. The keys are in it.

Farm equipment was utilitarian, made for a use and once it was used up it wasn’t disgarded, it just wasn’t used any more. Be it tractor, cultivator or pickup truck.

I don’t live on a farm anymore, but I drive a pickup. Have for many years, on my second one. And while I don’t go out of my way to mistreat its interior or exterior – it’s a truck. I load big and messy things into the back that have scratched the paint or gouged dents into the body. Not once, but many times. The interior hasn’t been turned into a landfill, but it isn’t suitable-for-framing either.

Because it’s a damn truck. Not a limousine. It’s a GMC, not a Masserati. If you want luxury, then you go out and buy a …

2013 Ford F150?????????

It’s called the Limited and reportedly will take the top-spot in Ford’s line of the popular pickup. Probably will cost somewhat higher than the present bestest F150, which means more than $44,000.

In his automotive blog, “Exhaust Notes,” MSN.com writer Joshua Condon says “the interior gets full-grain leather offset by real aluminum and piano black finishes, heated/cooled front seats with memory function (the rear seats are heated as well) and ambient lighting with five accent colors. It’s also a tech-heavy truck, offering standard Sync with MyFord Touch and Sirius Travel Link on a centrally mounted 8-inch LCD screen, plus power-sliding rear windows with privacy tint and defrost.”

Sheesh – you think you have to take off your boots before getting into it?

“Heated/cooled” seats? “Real” aluminum? And what the hell is “ambient light with five accent colors”? Is this feature supposed to create something like ambiance? Ambiance? There’s no ambiance in a pickup truck!

There are certain laws of nature that just cannot be broken.

When I want to bring home a load of mulch I don’t call my brother-in-law and ask if I can borrow his Lexus. And when I want to take a slobbering, shedding and farting Old English Bulldog for a ride in my truck, I shouldn’t have to first vacuum him, then wash his feet and put a tie on him before he gets in.

And speaking of utilitarian, I wonder if the manual recommends to have a cord of firewood dry-cleaned before loading it into the truck bed. Oh, and there better not be any leather or piano black finishes back there either.

What good is a pickup truck that can’t be used as a pickup truck?