I figured I’d wait until today to give you some Father’s Day gift ideas. Mostly, because I don’t really want anything. I received my greatest gift on the day you were born.
Oh, stop that. I can hear you gagging from here. And I was talking about my automatic federal tax deduction for dependents anyway. So there.
But really, I don’t need or want anything. But if you’re still running from store to store, looking for that perfect gift … well, stop running and come over to the house. I got a catalog here with a couple dog-eared pages that you can take home. Pick one and surprise me when the FedEx guy pulls up in my driveway.
Deal? Deal. That’s what father’s are for – we fix things. Right after we’ve broken them.
This is what I found in my Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. You know old HS – they’ve been “offering the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 164 Years.” Nice bunch of rich folks. Here’s some things I can live without, but why they hell do I have to if you’ll buy them for me:
The 20-foot animatronic triceratops – $350,000.
Pretty cool, eh? This is just like the ones you see in the museums. Twenty feet long, this little baby responds to onlookers with “lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing.” I mean, is there any other kind of bellowing, really? It’s got motion-activated cameras for eyes so whatever a person does, it responds in a probable dinosaurian way – “sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling – all powered by digitally controlled servos and silent, pneumatic air-activated cams.”
Nifty – you get me this and I’ll sit outside and wait for the door-to-door salesmen and Jehovah Witnesses to come calling. Fun is! Or, how about this, you know how much I like to fish:
The Genuine PT Boat – $1,000,000.
This is real, I mean the REAL PT-728, a 66-1/2 year-old restored Patrol Torpedo Boat from World War II. Knock me over with a torpedo! HS says it’s one of 12 remaining PT boats in the world. She is “armed” (all weapons are deactivated – damn) with a “single .50- and two twin .50-caliber Browning machine gun stations, an aft 20mm Oerlikon cannon, four tubes that each housed a Mark VIII torpedo, and two depth charge launchers.” And she’s no old slouch either – updated with modern electronics, radar, and two turbo-charged diesel engines providing 1,100 total horsepower.
Sweeeet. And speaking of swift, how about this little “econo” car?
The 120 MPH Electric Car – $108,000
Talk about green – we’re talking GREEN LIGHT here. This electric car can accelerate from zero to 60 mph in 4.0 seconds to a top speed of 120 mph “in one gear with no shifting, thanks to its two electric motors – smaller versions of the same kind found in diesel-electric locomotives”! Choo-choo, baby! And the thing is safe and maybe bullet-proof too. A chassis of stainless steel, its got a chrome-moly roll cage and body panels made of carbon fiber, Kevlar and fiberglass. It generates no emissions and operates from a set of lead-acid batteries that can recharge using any service up to 50 amps, enough power for a range of 40-80 miles.
I can’t wait to be the first on my block to silently blow the doors off the neighbors’ gas-guzzlers. Make them green with envy, I tell you.
See? No problem, no worries – I’m not so hard to buy for, am I?