For the Dad who doesn’t need anything …

Dear son,

I figured I’d wait until today to give you some Father’s Day gift ideas. Mostly, because I don’t really want anything. I received my greatest gift on the day you were born.

Oh, stop that. I can hear you gagging from here. And I was talking about my automatic federal tax deduction for dependents anyway. So there.

But really, I don’t need or want anything. But if you’re still running from store to store, looking for that perfect gift … well, stop running and come over to the house. I got a catalog here with a couple dog-eared pages that you can take home. Pick one and surprise me when the FedEx guy pulls up in my driveway.

Deal? Deal. That’s what father’s are for – we fix things. Right after we’ve broken them.

This is what I found in my Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. You know old HS – they’ve been “offering the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 164 Years.” Nice bunch of rich folks. Here’s some things I can live without, but why they hell do I have to if you’ll buy them for me:

Meet Fifi, my trusty guard triceratops

The 20-foot animatronic triceratops – $350,000.

Pretty cool, eh? This is just like the ones you see in the museums. Twenty feet long, this little baby responds to onlookers with “lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing.” I mean, is there any other kind of bellowing, really? It’s got motion-activated cameras for eyes so whatever a person does, it responds in a probable dinosaurian way – “sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling – all powered by digitally controlled servos and silent, pneumatic air-activated cams.”

Nifty – you get me this and I’ll sit outside and wait for the door-to-door salesmen and Jehovah Witnesses to come calling. Fun is! Or, how about this, you know how much I like to fish:

Who needs a fishing pole – drop a depth charge.

The Genuine PT Boat – $1,000,000.

This is real, I mean the REAL PT-728, a 66-1/2 year-old restored Patrol Torpedo Boat from World War II. Knock me over with a torpedo! HS says it’s one of 12 remaining PT boats in the world. She is “armed” (all weapons are deactivated – damn) with a “single .50- and two twin .50-caliber Browning machine gun stations, an aft 20mm Oerlikon cannon, four tubes that each housed a Mark VIII torpedo, and two depth charge launchers.” And she’s no old slouch either – updated with modern electronics, radar, and two turbo-charged diesel engines providing 1,100 total horsepower.

Sweeeet. And speaking of swift, how about this little “econo” car?

Think of all the gas, and time, I’ll be saving.

The 120 MPH Electric Car – $108,000

Talk about green – we’re talking GREEN LIGHT here. This electric car can accelerate from zero to 60 mph in 4.0 seconds to a top speed of 120 mph “in one gear with no shifting, thanks to its two electric motors – smaller versions of the same kind found in diesel-electric locomotives”! Choo-choo, baby! And the thing is safe and maybe bullet-proof too. A chassis of stainless steel, its got a chrome-moly roll cage and body panels made of carbon fiber, Kevlar and fiberglass. It generates no emissions and operates from a set of lead-acid batteries that can recharge using any service up to 50 amps, enough power for a range of 40-80 miles.

I can’t wait to be the first on my block to silently blow the doors off the neighbors’ gas-guzzlers. Make them green with envy, I tell you.

See? No problem, no worries – I’m not so hard to buy for, am I?