The search for the holy male

I’ve come to yet another conclusion about myself.

I’ll grant you this; it doesn’t happen often. For the most part I tend to let sleeping clods lie, go with the slow, look the other way and cross to the other side of my psyche whenever I feel a moment of inner reflection or self-inspection coming my way. But every now and then a light comes on and I’m unable to dim or divert its brilliant beam. It shines down on me and I’m forced to see myself for what I am. And there, laid bare in all of its stark and searing nakedness, is the unadulterated truth.

Well, it’s happened once again.

I just may not be the perfect man.

See, the British clothier Austin Reed polled 2,000 women. Asked them to list all the qualities they want most in a man. Then AR put them all together, clicked their heels twice and abracadabra … they made themselves a 30-point checklist suitable for use in determining if you have found the “perfect man”.

Thirty of them? Piece of personality cake. Lemme at this thing. Ahem … the qualities in the perfect man are:

  • 6 feet tall (aHA. I remember from Algebra 101: More than 5, round-up.)
  • Toned and athletic (Just watch how far I can throw this one.)
  • Brown eyes (I’ve often been told I’m so full of ****, my blue eyes turn brown.)
  • Short dark hair (Assume you mean shorter than two feet, darker than white.)
  • Smart dress sense (Not once have I put the pants on where the shirt goes.)
  • Beer drinker (Only six-pack I possess. Just call me Mr. Perfecto.)
  • Non-smoker (Ummm … dunno. I’ve never been on fire.)
  • Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper (Wouldn’t be caught dead in dumb jeans or shirt but better be if I’m ever found in a “jumper,” any letter.)
  • Gets ready in 17 minutes (Easy. Under 10 if I skip brushing my hair and teeth.)
  • Stylish (Been told my style is all my own – no one else would have it.)
  • Wants a family (Sure, any one but the Kardashians.)
  • Earns $77,000 a year (I find talking of one’s income so superficial, don’t you?)
  • Loves shopping (Drop me at a Cabela’s; pick me up in a year.)
  • Eats meat (What else you supposed to do with it?)
  • Clean shaven (At ‘Twilight,’ I’m a vampire, not a werewolf.)
  • Smooth chest (Haven’t gotten a splinter yet.)
  • Watches soaps (Duh – you don’t watch, you slip on it and fall.)
  • Enjoys watching football (Please, don’t make this so easy for me.)
  • Drives an Audi (No problem, same as driving my Chevy.)
  • Educated to degree level (Life is learning, no matter what the temperature.)
  • Earns more than his other half (My left half has more money than my right, it has my wallet.)
  • Jokes around and has a laugh (Haven’t stopped since starting this.)
  • Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset (Of course … obviously you haven’t been whacked by my wife when she’s upset. It’s very sensitive for a long time.)
  • Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it (I believe in quality over quantity.)
  • Admits it when he looks at other women (I admit that I was just looking for any oncoming traffic coming from that sidewalk. Safety first.)
  • Has a driver’s license (Picture almost looks like me.)
  • Can swim (If I have to, faster than a shark.)
  • Can ride a bike (Like Lance, sans the spandex.)
  • Can change a tire (Certainly, but better at driving on a flat one.)
  • Calls mom regularly …

As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with her. She says I’m perfect. So there.

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