Even I can’t make this stuff up

News happens every day, a lot of it. It happens to a lot of people. You got your politicians, your celebrities, your sports stars, your heroes, your villains – they’re making news all the time. And then there are the normal, everyday people, like the two in this story. They’re also making news. So prepare yourself – no doubt you’re going to be hearing a lot about these two people, because they have stories to tell. Stories that must be reported, to be believed. It’s either that or they have serious issues.

Meet Bill Wisth. Bill’s a big guy. Bill’s so big the photographer could only fit most of Bill’s head in this picture. The rest of the 6-foot-6, 350-pound man runneth over his camera lens.

Bill’s got a story. You see, last Friday, he went to Chuck’s Place in Thiensville, Wisconsin, for their weekly “All U Can Eat Fish Fry” because Bill likes fried fish. Sounds like a marriage made in 100% trans fat-free cooking oil, doesn’t it. Only problem was Chuck’s meant their patrons could have all the fish they could eat, within reason … but for a man like Bill, a soiree like this can only mean he should be allowed to eat ALL of it.

He downed a good-sized school – a dozen pieces – and asked for more. The management replied: Shiver me timbers Bill. Oh sure, there’s lots of fish in the sea, but we don’t have all of them in our storeroom! We’re running out, so you’re out.

They did fry up another eight pieces for Bill to take out, as long as he went out with them. Not good enough. He called the police. They evidently don’t care for fish and didn’t show up. So Bill took his fish, went home, made himself a sign, came back and picketed the place.

Oh, he did eat the fish before leaving for the protest. Can’t dissent on a half-empty stomach.

“It’s false advertising,” he told the local TV station. “We asked for more fish, and they refused to give us more fish. I think that people have to stand up for consumers.”

You go Bill. This is precisely … no, it’s the very essence of what America stands for – life, liberty and the pursuit of more fish.

Now, over there on the right, that’s Paige Parkerson. The 22-year-old Texas woman has a story to tell as well. If only her fiance had been listening more carefully when she told it to him, it would seem, according to police. This, they allege, is what happened on Sunday night, with just minutes left to go on Mother’s Day, around 11:30 p.m.

It was right around then when Clifton “JR” Barkin, the 22-year-old father of Paige’s two children and her fiance, arrived at the home he shared with Parkerson. He was dropped off by his mother, Evetta Wright. Just before that, Wright had driven JR to the neighborhood Walmart, where he bought flowers and a Mother’s Day card to give to Paige.

On Monday morning, Wright received a phone call from her daughter-in-law-to-be. “Paige told me that she killed JR,” Wright told a local newspaper reporter. “That he was dead.”

Police investigators allege that Paige repeatedly stabbed JR for only receiving flowers and a card on her special day. JR’s mother speculates that Paige was expecting a more lavish gift.

Ya think?!? OK, I have just one word to say here, and I’m even going to spell it out so there will be no misunderstanding it:

C-A-N-D-Y.

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